Writing Jokes
Because why not?
01
How Many Drafts Does It Take To Change A Fictional Lightbulb?
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A) Ten​
1. Hero changes light bulb.
2. Villain changes light bulb.
3. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4. Lose the light bulb.
5. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6. Villain breaks light bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb. Spirals into darkness a la Dark Knight.
9. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10. Hero changes light bulb.
​
02
Top 40 Screenwriting Laws
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to the underarm level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread or bunch of celery that sticks out the top of a full bag.
4) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.
6) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
7) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you weren't carrying any before now.
8) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Then you are doomed, my friend.
9) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
10) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
11) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
12) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
14) Most dogs are immortal.
15) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade - at any time of the year.
16) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
17) Interbreeding is genetically possible with creatures from anywhere in the universe.
18) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. No one will be hiding in the dark...
19) Computers never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.
20) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning, even though their husbands and children never have time to eat.
21) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
22) The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the
job.
23) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of the Astrodome.
24) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
25) Quipping ability determines whether or not you get to be the hero.
26) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
28) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments like you're in a bumper car.
29) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
30) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you're visiting. And never get towed.
31) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
32) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any alien civilization -- or superpower governments.
33) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage, and nobody involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
34) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. In which case, kick that $#*& down.
35) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite. Because... hijinks?
36) When they're alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English amongst themselves.
37) You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
38) An electric fence which is powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
39) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment, and it's never necessary to listen to the complete bulletin.
40) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. They'll dance around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.